Ping Pong Show

Let’s start this off with a warning, this post isn’t for the kiddies or the prudes. Most people go to Ping Pong Shows in Thailand and refuse to write about it – it’s something that people are only comfortable telling their friends in person so the information can’t get into the wrong hands. Well, I’m not like that, so here goes.

For those of you blissfully unaware of what a Ping Pong Show is, it is a display of vaginal talents performed on stage by lovely Asian women who must spend hours honing their craft. To be specific, they do weird shit with their nether regions.

B and I had heard of the Ping Pong Shows long before going to Thailand and always intended to see one but didn’t know where to look. After meeting a few people on our trip, they told us which seedy streets to walk on and sure enough, we were bombarded by people holding signs advertising the various spectacles within. After being convinced by a lady that “Free Entry” was only for the next hour, we followed her into a building, past rows and rows of bars and poles and finally into a huge white door with the words, “The Secret” hanging above. It was dark and it was empty.

That’s right, B and I and a dark room with a black lit stage. We were seated directly in front of the stage for optimal viewing, I assume, and immediately the show began. The deal at the shows is that entry is free but you have to buy a drink. That seems like a steal but the drinks are 900 to 1200 baht. To translate, a Coke is 30 bucks. Thankfully we were pre-warned about this so it wasn’t entirely shocking, you just have to ask yourself, “Is seeing a string of razor blades come out of a vagina worth a cool 30 dollars?” The answer is yes.

What a show. Firstly, since we were the only people watching the show it meant that we were, by default, volunteers. Within moments of sitting down, a man came out and handed us each two balloons. We were directed onto the stage where a semi-haggard looking Thai woman laid down and inserted some sort of blow dart device into her hoo-ha and proceeded to shoot darts at us until she popped all of the balloons. It was terrifying, disgusting, and fun.

The tricks were broken up with dance numbers by some much better looking Thai girls as well as lap dance type performances. Not knowing that, they asked again for volunteers (a few more spectators had trickled in by this point) and since B is such a go-getter, I insisted she be one of them. Little did we know, B had to lie down on a mat to get a massage by 3 women, naked, using only their breasts. Needless to say, I was near-hyperventilating with laughter by the end of it.

In addition to the razor blades and the darts, some of the other marvels we saw were: A woman pulling sewing needles out of her great dark fortress, a woman “swallowing” water from a coke bottle into what I can only assume was her uterus, only to empty out a dark liquid thought to be coke into another bottle, the usual ping pong in and out show, a woman honking a horn, a woman smoking two cigarettes (I bet her OBGYN is not pleased about that,) and a woman pulling a seemingly endless string of flowers from her garden.

Since fair is fair, B volunteered me for the “sexy lapdance” which was similar to her violation but I was sitting instead of lying down. The girls were all very nice and repeatedly apologized for subjecting us to this. I guess they forgot we paid out the ass to be here.

Our final time on stage was both of us and two obnoxious Australians… This involved one of the women to lie on a mat with two of us on either side. We then had to eat apple slices off of her various body parts. Seems simple, right? Unfortunately they kept moving causing us to mouth-chase them all over the mat. A ridiculous sight I’m sure but at least we got a healthy snack out of it.

Although some of the things were a little grim, the shock wears off when they open with the whole razor blade act – I mean, what could be worse than that?

So if you’re in Thailand and want to see women commit acts of violence against their unmentionables just ask me where to go.

S.