Ping Pong Show

Let’s start this off with a warning, this post isn’t for the kiddies or the prudes. Most people go to Ping Pong Shows in Thailand and refuse to write about it – it’s something that people are only comfortable telling their friends in person so the information can’t get into the wrong hands. Well, I’m not like that, so here goes.

For those of you blissfully unaware of what a Ping Pong Show is, it is a display of vaginal talents performed on stage by lovely Asian women who must spend hours honing their craft. To be specific, they do weird shit with their nether regions.

B and I had heard of the Ping Pong Shows long before going to Thailand and always intended to see one but didn’t know where to look. After meeting a few people on our trip, they told us which seedy streets to walk on and sure enough, we were bombarded by people holding signs advertising the various spectacles within. After being convinced by a lady that “Free Entry” was only for the next hour, we followed her into a building, past rows and rows of bars and poles and finally into a huge white door with the words, “The Secret” hanging above. It was dark and it was empty.

That’s right, B and I and a dark room with a black lit stage. We were seated directly in front of the stage for optimal viewing, I assume, and immediately the show began. The deal at the shows is that entry is free but you have to buy a drink. That seems like a steal but the drinks are 900 to 1200 baht. To translate, a Coke is 30 bucks. Thankfully we were pre-warned about this so it wasn’t entirely shocking, you just have to ask yourself, “Is seeing a string of razor blades come out of a vagina worth a cool 30 dollars?” The answer is yes.

What a show. Firstly, since we were the only people watching the show it meant that we were, by default, volunteers. Within moments of sitting down, a man came out and handed us each two balloons. We were directed onto the stage where a semi-haggard looking Thai woman laid down and inserted some sort of blow dart device into her hoo-ha and proceeded to shoot darts at us until she popped all of the balloons. It was terrifying, disgusting, and fun.

The tricks were broken up with dance numbers by some much better looking Thai girls as well as lap dance type performances. Not knowing that, they asked again for volunteers (a few more spectators had trickled in by this point) and since B is such a go-getter, I insisted she be one of them. Little did we know, B had to lie down on a mat to get a massage by 3 women, naked, using only their breasts. Needless to say, I was near-hyperventilating with laughter by the end of it.

In addition to the razor blades and the darts, some of the other marvels we saw were: A woman pulling sewing needles out of her great dark fortress, a woman “swallowing” water from a coke bottle into what I can only assume was her uterus, only to empty out a dark liquid thought to be coke into another bottle, the usual ping pong in and out show, a woman honking a horn, a woman smoking two cigarettes (I bet her OBGYN is not pleased about that,) and a woman pulling a seemingly endless string of flowers from her garden.

Since fair is fair, B volunteered me for the “sexy lapdance” which was similar to her violation but I was sitting instead of lying down. The girls were all very nice and repeatedly apologized for subjecting us to this. I guess they forgot we paid out the ass to be here.

Our final time on stage was both of us and two obnoxious Australians… This involved one of the women to lie on a mat with two of us on either side. We then had to eat apple slices off of her various body parts. Seems simple, right? Unfortunately they kept moving causing us to mouth-chase them all over the mat. A ridiculous sight I’m sure but at least we got a healthy snack out of it.

Although some of the things were a little grim, the shock wears off when they open with the whole razor blade act – I mean, what could be worse than that?

So if you’re in Thailand and want to see women commit acts of violence against their unmentionables just ask me where to go.

S.

Phuket and Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine’s Day from Phuket! We arrived here at 11pm last night and boy was it ever one of those long days of travel.

We woke up at 8am to do our least favorite activity: pack. I loathe packing and moving, so much so that we’ve decided this will be the last time we do it before we head home. Since Phuket is our last destination, and the island is about a one hour journey from top to bottom, we figure we can stay put at one hostel and just scooter when we need to.

Check out time is 10am so we had a quick breakfast and then it was off to the ferry. The ferry was at 12:30, or so they said, but we had to go one by one due to our not so practical mode of travel. B scootered me to the ferry with my bag (a 15 minute ride) then she headed back to the hostel for her bag, dropped it off with me at the port, returned the scooter, walked to the port and met me. The things we get done before noon are astonishing.

So we sat in the blistering heat from 11:30 to… Oh the ferry is an hour late, as always. A surprisingly smooth 3 hour ferry ride to the mainland and we arrived in Don Sak. Let me tell you about transport in Thailand, it is a fucking mad house. There is very little organization, a lot of yelling, and hundreds of people in panic mode. So we ran our asses off to the bus, not wanting to miss it or sit on the floor and made it in time. This is a one hour bus, the double decker sort, that we take to another town, Surat Thani. I didn’t think a bus could be shittier than that first bus we took but imagine that one then transport it back 20 years.

When we arrived in Surat Thani, it was complete chaos. They were shouting at us, “OFF THE BUS! NOW! FAST! HURRY! YOU WILL MISS YOUR BUS!” I felt like we arrived at Auschwitz and they realized I don’t have any skills. I ran to get our bags and B ran to the ticket office. They put the stickers on our shirts (all major transit is organized by stickers on your clothes) and we were off to find our bus.

After countless Thai people pointed in the direction of this giant double decker bus, we started moving that way, only to be stopped by a few more who pointed at a pick up truck in front of said bus. Entirely confused, we asked again and again… we threw our bags into the truck thinking that perhaps it is just transporting the luggage but when the Thai man clearly told us that we were to get in as well, that was that. A uncovered shortbox pick up transporting Me, B, three Italian men plus all of our baggage. It was a very tight fit and for all we knew, that was where we would be for the next five hours.

With the wind in our hair, we were just starting to get comfortable after ten minutes or so but suddenly we pulled over to a tour agency where we were told we would be for the next half an hour until our mini-bus arrived. They then extorted us for an additional 300 baht (about $10) to take us directly to our hostel instead of just dropping us off in butt fuck nowhere. Lovely, lovely.

When the mini-bus arrived, there were 14 passengers and 13 seats plus at least one bag of luggage per person. When we all didn’t fit, they told us all to get out and they pulled all of our luggage to the curb as well. Since I am a rational person, my first assumption was that they were going to get a different bus but naturally, I was wrong. After a 5 minute reorganization they managed to Jenga us all in there a bit more efficiently and we were off. Incredibly squished, but on our way.

When we got to Phuket in the middle of the night, our driver had no idea where our hostel was. He said he was going to drop us off at a mall and we could get a taxi from there. Hell no. I didn’t get extorted for nothing, sir! We made him drive around aimlessly and stop for us to try and find maps, to try and get net connection, to ask countless taxi drivers. Eventually we found it though and it is a beaut!

What a great way to finish off the trip. Our hostel is the most like a hotel we’ve been in so far. The bed is huge, there is a wardrobe for clothes, a vanity, a real shower, water that actually gets hot, multiple towels, a mini-fridge and wait for it… My absolute favorite, HAND SOAP! This is the first place to have hand soap since our very first hostel in Bangkok. It may not sound like much but when you had to flush the last toilet you peed in by pouring a ladle full of water into it, you really appreciate the little things.

So we woke up this morning feeling good about life and exploring Phuket. We rented a scooter, found the beach (which is extremely packed but we are going to find another one soon!) and the mall. It seems like after a long day of travel, we need western comforts. We had pizza and ice cream for our Valentine’s meal today and it was fantastic.

Driving here was an insane adventure. It is reminiscent of driving in downtown Vancouver right after a hockey game lets out. The amount of people is insane and the roads are filled with scooters. I’m glad B is a great driver because if it was me behind the wheel, well we’d be staying home.

S.